13 Versions of Toxic People

One of the joys of being human is that we don’t have to be perfect to be one of the good ones. At some point we’ll all make stupid decisions, hurt the people we love, say things that are hard to take back, and push too hard to get our way. None of that makes us toxic. It makes us human. We mess things up, we grow and we learn. Toxic people are different. They never learn. They never self-reflect and they don’t care who they hurt along the way.

Toxic behavior is a habitual way of responding to the world and the people in it. Toxic people are smart but they have the emotional intelligence of a pen lid. It’s no accident that they choose those who are open-hearted, generous and willing to work hard for a relationship. With two non-toxic people this is the foundation for something wonderful, but when toxic behavior is involved it’s only a matter of time before that open heart becomes a broken one.

If you’re in any sort of relationship with someone who is toxic, chances are you’ve been bending and flexing for a while to try to make it work. Stop. Just stop. You can only change the things that are open to your influence and toxic people will never be one of them. Here are some of the ones to watch out for.

The Controller

Nobody should have to ask for permission or be heavily directed on what to wear, how to look, who to spend time with or how to spend their money. There’s nothing wrong with being open to the influence of the people around you, but ‘the way you do you’ is for you to decide. Your mind is strong and beautiful and shouldn’t be caged. Healthy relationships support independent thought. They don’t crush it.

The Taker

All relationships are about give and take but if you’re with a taker, you’ll be doing all the giving and they’ll be doing all the taking. Think about what you get from the relationship. If it’s nothing, it might be time to question why you’re there. We all have a limited amount of resources (emotional energy, time) to share between our relationships. Every time you say ‘yes’ to someone who doesn’t deserve you, you’re saying ‘no’ to someone who does. Give your energy to the people who deserve it and when you’re drawing up the list of deserving ones, make sure your own name is at the top.

The Absent

These versions of toxic people won’t return texts or phone calls and will only be available when it suits them, usually when they want something. You might find yourself wondering whether they got your message, whether they’re okay, or whether you’ve done something to upset them. No relationship should involve this much guess-work.

The Manipulator

Manipulators will steal your joy as though you made it especially for them. They’ll tell half-truths or straight out lies and when they have enough people squabbling, they’ll be the saviour. ‘Don’t worry. I’m here for you.’ Ugh. They’ll listen, they’ll comfort, and they’ll tell you want you need to hear. And then they’ll ruin you. They’ll change the facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. They’ll calmly poke you until you crack, then they’ll poke you for cracking. They’ll ‘accidentally’ spill secrets or they’ll hint that there are secrets there to spill, whether there are or not. There’s just no reasoning with a manipulator, so forget trying to explain yourself. The argument will run in circles and there will be no resolution. It’s a black hole. Don’t get sucked in.

You: I feel like you’re not listening to me.
Them: Are you calling me a bad listener
You: No, I’m just saying that you’ve taken what I said the wrong way.
Them: Oh. So now you’re saying I’m stupid. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. Everyone told me to be careful of you.

They’ll only hear things through their negative filter, so the more you talk, the more they’ll twist what you’re saying. They want power, not a relationship. They’ll use your weaknesses against you and they’ll use your strengths – your kindness, your openness, your need for stability in the relationship. If they’re showing tenderness, be careful – there’s something you have that they want. Show them the door, and lock it when they leave.

The Bullshitter

They talk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. They’ll lie outright or they’ll give you versions of the truth – not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You can’t believe a word they say. There’s no honesty, which means there’s no intimacy. At worst bullshitters are heartbreakers. At best they’re raving bores.

The Attention Seeker

It’s nice to be needed. It’s also nice to eat peanut butter, but it doesn’t mean you want it all the time. The attention seeker always has a crisis going on and they always need your support. Be ready for the aggression, passive aggression, angst or a guilt trip if you don’t respond. ‘Oh. You’re going to dinner with friends? It’s just that I’ve had the worst day and I really needed you tonight. Oh well, I suppose I can’t always expect you to be there for me. If it’s that important to you then you should go. I just want you to be happy. I’ll just stay in by myself and watch tv or something (sigh). You go and have fun with your friends. I suppose I’ll be okay.’ See how that works? When there’s always a crisis, it’s only a matter of time before you’re at the centre of one.

The One Who Wants to Change You

It’s one thing to let you know that the adorable snort thing you do when you laugh isn’t so adorable, but when you’re constantly reminded that you aren’t smart enough, good-looking enough, skinny enough, strong enough, you have to start thinking that the only thing that isn’t good enough about you is this loser who keeps pointing these things out. You’ll never be good enough for these people because it’s not about you, it’s about control and insecurity – theirs, not yours. As long as they’re working on changing you, they don’t have to worry about themselves, and as long as they can keep you small, they’ll have a shot at shining brighter.

These people will make you doubt yourself by slowly convincing you that they know best, and that they’re doing it all for you. ‘You’d just be so much prettier if you lost a few pounds, you know? I’m just being honest.’ Ugh. Unless you’re having to be craned through your window, or you’re seriously unhealthy, it’s nobody else’s business how luscious your curves are. If you feel heavy, start by losing the 160 pounds of idiot beside you and you won’t believe how much lighter you’ll feel. These ones aren’t looking out for you, they’re trying to manage you. The people who deserve you will love you because of who you are, not despite it.

The One You Want to Change

People aren’t channels, hairstyles or undies. You can’t change them. Someone who snarls at the waiter will always be the kind of person who snarls at the waiter – whether they’re snarling or not. People can change, but only when they’re ready and usually only when they’ve felt enough pain. It’s normal to fight for the things that are important, but it’s important to know when to stop. When a relationship hurts to be in, the only thing that will change will be you – a sadder, more unhappier version of the person you started out as. Before it gets to this, set a time limit in which you want to see change. Take photos of yourself every day – you’ll see it in your eyes if something isn’t right, or check in at the end of each week and write down how you feel. Have something concrete to look back on. It’s easier to let go if it’s clear over time that nothing has changed. It’s even easier if you can see that the only thing different is that the lights have gone out in you.

The Abuser

The signs might be subtle at first but they’ll be there. Soon, there will be a clear cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is how it will look:

here will be rising tension. You’ll feel it. You’ll tread carefully and you’ll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Eventually, there will be an explosion. A fight. There will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying. At first you’ll make excuses – ‘I shouldn’t have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.

Then, the honeymoon. The abuser can be wonderfully kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. You’ll be so desperate for things to get better that you’ll believe the apologies, the tenderness, the declarations of love, the promises.

The tension will start to rise again. Over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often. The tension will rise quicker, the explosions will be bigger, the honeymoons will be shorter.

If this is familiar, you’re in a cycle of abuse. It’s not love. It’s not stress. It’s not your fault. It’s abuse. The honeymoon will be one of the things that keeps you there. The love will feel real and you’ll crave it, of course you will – that’s completely understandable – but listen to this: Love after abuse isn’t love, it’s manipulation. If the love was real, there would be mountains moved to make sure you were never hurt or scared again.

The Jealous One

Your partner is important and so are other people in your life. If you act in a trustworthy way, you deserve to be trusted. We all get insecure now and then and sometimes we could all do with a little more loving and reassurance, but when the questions, accusations and demands are consistent and without reason, it will only be a matter of time before your phone is checked, your movements are questioned, and your friends are closed out. Misplaced jealousy isn’t love, it’s a lack of trust in you.

The Worse-Off One

These people will always have problems that are bigger than yours. You’re sick, they’re sicker; you’re exhausted from working late every night this week, they’re shattered – from the gym; you’ve just lost your job, they’re ‘devastated because it’s really hard when you know someone who’s lost their job’. You’ll always be the supporter, never the supported. There’s only so long that you can keep drawing on your emotional well if there’s nothing coming back.

The Sideways Glancer

Ok. So the human form is beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with admiring it, but when it’s done constantly in your company – in your face – it’s tiring, and it feels bad. You deserve to be first and you deserve to feel noticed. That doesn’t mean you have to be first all the time, but certainly you shouldn’t have to fight strangers for your share of attention. Some things will never be adorable.

The Cheater

Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship – that depends on the circumstances and the people involved and it’s not for anyone else to judge whether or not you should stay. It’s a deeply personal decision and one you can make in strength either way, but when infidelity happens more than once, or when it happens without remorse or commitment to the future of the relationship, it will cause breakage. When people show you over and over that they aren’t capable of loving you the way you want to be loved, believe them. Move them out of the damn way so that better things can find you.

The Liar.
Let’s be realistic – little white lies happen. In fact, research has found that when lying is done for the right reasons (such as to protect someone’s feelings) it can actually strengthen a relationship. ‘So that’s the orange cocktail dress you’ve spent a month’s pay on? Wow – you weren’t kidding when you said it was bright. Oh, it has pandas on it. And they’re smiling. And the shop doesn’t take returns. And you love it. Well keep smiling gorgeous. You look amazing!’. However, when lies are told with malicious intent and for personal gain, it will always weaken relationships. Relationships are meant to be fun, but none of us are meant to be played.

The One Who Laughs at Your Dreams

Whether it’s being a merchant banker, a belly dancer, or the inventor of tiny slippers for cats, the people who deserve you are those who support your dreams, not those who laugh at them. The people who tell you that you won’t succeed are usually the ones who are scared that you will. If they’re not cheering you on, they’re holding you back. If they’re not directly impacted by your dreams, (which, for example, your partner might be if your dream is to sell everything you both own, move to Rome, and sell fake sunglasses to the tourists) then you would have to question what they’re getting out of dampening you.

Being human is complicated. Being open to the world is a great thing to be – it’s wonderful – but when you’re open to the world you’re also open to the poison that spills from it. One of the things that makes a difference is the people you hold close. Whether it’s one, two or squadron-sized bunch, let the people around you be ones who are worthy of you. It’s one of the greatest acts of self-love. Good people are what great lives are made of.

Advertisements

Nice Guys

“You’ve been treated badly for so long that when someone tries to give you the love you deserve,  you don’t know what the hell to do.”

Dear Future Husband,

This is probably one of the saddest things to admit to, but it’s true. This is something I continuously struggle with when dating – I don’t know that I actually deserve a good guy and I end up pushing him away.

I tell myself that in the end he will leave and hurt me, so I stop myself from embarking into a relationship.  The very few times I’ve met a nice guy, I will second guess everything he says or does. It’s hard to believe and trust that I actually deserve it. I become insecure and retreat when I feel vulnerable. I’ve been badly let down in the past and experienced an acrimonious separation. Alternatively, I’ve been subjected to physical/emotional abuse as well as witnessing this happening to my own mother.

So the only attention I’ve received from a man was to be treated badly. Though this isn’t what I wanted, sadly it’s the only thing I seem to know. And although this is what I’m used to in relationships, I’m doing my best to learn from my mistakes and have been on journey of self-love.  In doing so, I’ve recognized this is a problem that needs to break this destructive behavior to move forward into healthy relationships.

I don’t expect anyone to love me when I’m still learning to love myself. Which is part of the reason as to why I don’t really date. But what I guess what I want you to know and understand is if we do happen to meet, that I’m a work in progress and I just need someone willing to put in the effort.

I need you to be loyal. I want to trust you as much as you want to trust me. I want to trust that you will always come back to me. I want to trust with my heart. I want to trust you with everything I have, and I want to trust that you will never hurt me.

I need you to be patient. Sometimes I get upset and I need you to have patience with me. I will forgive whatever and whoever, but I need you to be there for me and wait for me to be OK again. You also need to be patient when trying to get to know me; I will only tell you pieces and parts at a time, you have to be patient with me until I know you can handle all of me.

When loving me, you need to hold on tight. When things get complicated I need to know that I have you to turn to. When life starts pulling us different directions I need to know that you will always come back. I need to know that you are with me for the long run, and you won’t give up on me whenever life makes you question everything. I need to know you will hold on to us.

It’s not hard loving me, but it takes work. You need patience, trust and a whole lot of love. But I can promise this will be the purest love you will ever experience. My heart is in this for the long run, just as you put in the effort so will I.

Love,

Your Future Wife

How Girls With Anxiety Love Differently

You will never regret us.

You’re swimming in an ocean, and without notice or warning you begin slipping under the surface. You kick and kick, slowly losing your breath. You can’t breathe, but you keep kicking. No matter how hard you kick, how hard you try to scream, no one can hear you or help you. Your lungs are burning from the lack of oxygen; you can’t reach the surface. You keep reaching toward the sunlight; you see the surface, but you can’t get there. You’re stuck 10 feet under. You’re without air; you’re without your breath; you black out.

That’s anxiety. Anxiety consumes you; anxiety becomes you, and for hours you’re alone. You’re drowning, and no one can save you, no matter how loudly you yell.

As a result of constantly feeling like this, girls with anxiety have their guard up. We handle almost everything with worry, and we are on edge, wondering what will set off our anxiety next, and just like that, we’re back feeling like we’re in that ocean.

Girls with anxiety love differently. But I promise you, we will love you like no one else ever will. We will love you like you are our one and only, you’re our safe space, you’re the person we know we can trust, and our love for you and our appreciation for you will never go unnoticed.

We need reassurance.

Please be patient when we ask you for the tenth time if you’re leaving. We are not in control of our anxiety most of time, so we always want to know what you are thinking, so we are not blindsided because we want to be in control of something in our life. Even though we make you repeat yourself, do not ever think we are ever doubting you. The feeling we get when you know you aren’t leaving is so calming. We will love you for it, forever.

We need to feel safe.

Overprotective? Yes, please. Girls with anxiety need to feel safe in their relationships. We are independent, so don’t get confused. We just need a little more safety. We need to know you are there, and you care. When we are out in public, we really don’t like randoms hitting on us or making us feel uncomfortable, and we’d really like for you to step in and handle it calmly. Because we need to feel safe, girls with anxiety will never go out of their way to converse with randoms. You are our safety net, and you are the only one we will ever want. Please always remember that forever.

We form close bonds.

We lean on you a little more than normal girlfriends. When we’re happy, we’re happy; when we’re sad, we’re a mess. If we feel an ounce of anxiety, you are the first person we need. You are the only person we trust to handle us when we’re shaking, and when we are gasping for breath. Because you see us so vulnerable, we form a bond with you that you won’t ever have again, I promise you.

We will love you like no one else.

We tend to be a little much at times, yes. However, we trust you with our entire lives. Anxiety is real; what we feel is real, and knowing we have someone there who is attempting to understand and not leaving no matter how many times we question it. We love you because you are our protector, our lover and our calmer. You are so much more to us than a significant other. You are our world, and we are so incredibly thankful for it, and we will tell you 10 million times a day.

We will never let you go to sleep without feeling loved. No matter how many times you ask if we are OK, we always say yes because your happiness is more important than our own, even though you always know when something is wrong. We will hold you like no other woman will, and we will appreciate all the small things you do.

Anxiety controls your body. Anxiety controls your heart. The simple “we need to talk” throws our body in flight-or-fight mode, and we lose feeling. The simple “I don’t know anymore” turns our hearts inside out. Breakups are hard, but girls with anxiety will struggle to find themselves again because they put so much faith into you. They love you more than you can ever comprehend, and once you love like that, it’s almost impossible to ever love like that again.

So, if you are dating a girl with anxiety, she is not a mess; she is not a prisoner; she is not a burden like she always thinks she is. She is a gift that should be treasured. We tend to need a little more TLC, but we will cherish you for it. Girls with anxiety love differently. But I promise you, we will love you like no one else ever will.