Let’s Go On Adventures

Dear Future Husband,

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all my flaws, mistakes and weaknesses but still thinks I’m completely amazing. A kind of person that supports my visions and dreams, but knows how to relax and enjoy the simple things in life. Relationships are meant to be an exploration of each other’s souls. Let’s vow to now let one bump in the road blur our vision of the journey ahead together and grow together.

Let’s just live life fully and forget about all the problems that weigh us down. We have so much living to do. Let’s not waste time overthinking, or doubting ourselves. Let’s go on adventures and do the things we’ve always dreamed of. Let’s be free and explore what life has to offer us. Let’s hope, believe, and have the drive to push through any obstacle.

This is our one life together that we have.  Let’s create our dreams, follow our hearts, and step outside of our comfort ones.

I want to wake up every morning next to you and smile at the wonderful day that awaits us.

I love you.

Love,

Your Future Wife

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Bruised

She was excited, twirling in her pink chiffon dress. The same one that hangs in her closet. The one she sometimes brings out and might wear.

She hasn’t worn it since that night. That I can remember.

I don’t want to think about that night. A flood of emotions is coming back. I don’t want to think about it. But I’m forcing myself too. I don’t know why.

I feel dizzy and hot.

She’s talking.

I look up to her and she says he’s taking her dancing.

I think she’s excited.

Even then, I knew what that meant. I always knew what it meant when he took her dancing. She only danced once. I think. Maybe more but I’m not sure.

I was scared. Like I’m scared now.
Like I get scared sometimes.

Sun’s out but I’m shivering.

Like when I wake up from my night terrors.

Even now. After all these years.

She came home bruised.
She didn’t dance.

Staring at the wall but I remember.
I remember everything. That night. The hurt. What he did to her.

Like when he threw the plastic goose at her.
I pulled close to the wall.
Screams.
I cried.
Quiet.

Screams.

I’m scared.

“Stop! Stop it.”

I run and yell.

“Go to your room.”

I won’t.

I can’t.

He won’t hurt me.

I’m sure.

I need her.

I yell again until he stops.

She comes into my room.

The door is locked.

Crying.
She kisses my head.
I saved her,
that night.
And every night.

Q & A + Story Time: The Dentist

This has been much requested and my most often asked question:

What inspired your blog?

Last year, after going on an eight month dating hiatus and rejecting a seemingly good guy for months  I decided to finally ring out the end of the year with him. He was new to the city, taking over his recently deceased father’s dental practice. But the “nice guy” I thought I had, was just a dentist meathead who liked to insult old people & eavesdrop in random conversations!

I should’ve known from the first time he asked me out that he wasn’t really thoughtful and probably a little more selfish than I actually wanted to believe.

He asked me out late notice but it’s not like I had multiple offers or even a life at the time.  So I agreed, and because he had been told previously  about my lack of transportation before even asking me out and seemed fine with the idea of having to drive at the time I assumed he would pick me up. Just like others before him had done and no one ever seemed to have an issue with it, most even preferred it as it gave them brownie points for being gentlemanly.

He still hadn’t confirmed the day of until close to our meet time but didn’t ask for my address.  So I reminded him that I needed to be picked up to which he replied that the place he picked was on a bus line and I could take public transportation.

(Insert “bruhhhhhh?!” face.)

Now nothing is wrong with taking the bus anywhere.  It’s just that: 1.) He agreed with being the one to drive should we ever go out and never said no. 2.) He picked a place that would require a higher-end dress code and in my neighborhood, dressing in a dress and heels while waiting at the corner bus-stop would draw some very unwanted attention and maybe even the police stopping to see if I’m some kind of prostitute. 3.) Also, I live on the outer-side of my city so public transportation comes about once an hour and takes at least a minimum of an hour to get to your destination in the same are.  Our meet up wasn’t in my area and would take almost two hours  just on the bus alone. So there was no way I would even make it on time at his late confirmation check-in.

So I explained all that to which he replied he would think of another date and time that he could pick me up.

Fast forward two weeks later when he was able to clear his evening schedule.

He joked that he would show up early to which I replied to go ahead but he’d still have to weight.

Welllllll, he wasn’t joking and did show up early.  So I told him he could either wait inside or in his truck but it would be another thirty minutes since he arrived thirty minutes early. He couldn’t tell what else needed to be done and basically said that we could leave now and I go with or he would leave and that would be the end of that.

Why I left with him when he gave me that ultimatum, I don’t know why. Probably, because he drove across town to pick me up and partly, because I’m an idiot who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt.

So, I left with him and off we went to this little french fancy, smancy restaurant that I couldn’t even pronounce let alone understand the menu.

When we got there, he didn’t bother opening the car door for me which I brushed off immediately. I’m quite capable of doing that. He had to park in an alley way because the restaurant parking lot was so crowded.  He led the way, literally and I trailed behind him wobbling in my heels on the uneven gravel of the alley. It was annoying that he speedily walked ahead of me and I had to run/walk/wobble to try and catch but I was too hungry to care.  Again, I noticed he didn’t walk beside me and I was also walking alongside the busy street but he didn’t seem fazed.  It was more of an eye roll for myself but not a deal breaker of anything to be upset about. And actually and elderly man moved me to the side so he could walk along the street saying, “Ladies to the side.” The dentist turned around and looked but either hadn’t noticed and/or heard or just didn’t care to let some other guy display a chivalrous act.

Somehow I ended up at the restaurant’s front door before the dentist and opened it to walk inside and as I was about to enter, the dentist hurriedly walked through the door I was opening for myself and cut me off! Sighing from frustration, I walked behind him as we made our way to the host stand.  The restaurant was extremely crowded and noisy and I was literally bumping elbows with waitstaff and other patrons.

“Do you have reservations?”

“No.”

(A look of puzzlement on my behalf, because the dentist had indeed told me he made reservations for an 8 pm dinner.)

“It will be about an hour wait.”

“That’s fine.”

I think at this point my right eye started to twitch.

“Okay, well you can wait at the bar until your table is ready.”

Walk to bar.

No seats available.

So there I am, standing for an hour in 6 inch heels and a dress I can barely breathe in. (Had I known I would be standing for most of our date, I would’ve worn something more comfortable.)

The bar was tiny and the bar top indented a bit so the dentist stood there out of harm’s way of the crowded restaurant, leaving me to be constantly bumped and pushed by others. I even had the pleasure of someone’s drink being spilled on me.  He didn’t bother making an effort to make any kind of small talk with me.  After a few attempts on my part, I gave up and we stood in silence for the better part of our wait. After an hour, our table was ready and I excitedly followed the waiter.

The waiter showed us the table for two and pulled out a chair and motioned for me to sit, BUT THE DENTIST LEAPT FROM BEHIND ME AT THE CHAIR TO SIT DOWN!!!

I stared. The waiter stared.

So the waiter tried to pull the chair out that was across the dentist. Seeing this, the dentist didn’t get up to pull the chair out for me. Instead, he leaned over the table sitting down still and flicked the chair out as a way to try and push it out but instead, it tipped over and the chair fell backwards on the floor.

By this time the people were staring.

I just wanted to leave but again, because I’m an idiot I picked up the chair and sat in it.

I looked over the menu I couldn’t understand and asked the dentist what each item was as I didn’t know french, wasn’t familiar with any of the items and had never been here. He explained each item painfully slowly and loudly as if he was speaking to someone who had some sort of disability which hindered their ability to understand.

The waiter returned and I let him order first. (I always let the guys order first so I can choose an entree cheaper than theirs just because I never want to come across as taking advantage, especially when the guys usually end up footing the bill.)

He order a $6 salad.

Which was the cheapest item on the menu. I would’ve followed suit except I have vegetables and have never eaten a salad in my life.

But then he asked the waiter if he could have a side of raw meat.

R A W  M E A T!!!

Wtf.

It brought the total to about $15 so I ordered a very tiny piece of steak and fries for about $2 less.

He said I should’ve gotten the steak raw.

Are you kidding me?

Apparently, it’s healthier or has some sort of benefit?! Idk.

I said I was fine and again we waited in silence.

For another hour.

The dentist started to become fussy and complain. I got the bright idea of, “Why don’t we walk to (insert popular fast food restaurant) which is a few blocks away?”

Wow, you thought I had killed a baby or something with the way he went off about my suggestion. I thought I was being cool and cute showing that although I was dolled up in a form fitting dress and 6 inch heels being dined at a nice-ish restaurant, that I wasn’t that high-maintenance to walk in heels to get a $1 burger.

He went on to say that this is what’s wrong with America, little kids are walking around overweight because people like me think it’s ok to eat that kind of food blah blah blah.

Huh?!

No wonder I’m the size that I am. I should’ve ordered a salad.

EXCUSE ME??????!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should’ve thrown my drink in his face and walked out.

Instead, I sat there looking around trying to ignore him. Because why?! (I’m an idiot.)

Our food was brought out and he tried making chit chat. Believe it or not, we got along seemingly well for about five minutes, we both laughing at each other’s jokes before it all went to hell again.

I asked how his day was and he started talking about how he went to look at dentist chairs for patients to sit in to possibly buy. But he couldn’t buy them, could I guess why?

No.

Because they were too small and average sized Americans are at least double the size of a standard dentist chair.

O M G!

The table next to us sat a plus sized couple who could clearly hear his every word and would just stare. It was so embarrassing and uncomfortable how he openly fat shamed everyone and anyone.

We finished dinner and I couldn’t have been more happier for a date to end than this.

BUT, he decided he wanted dessert so I suggested ice cream since I actually really wanted a sherbet cone and knew of a place nearby.

Mmm he didn’t want ice cream so we weren’t going to get any.

The dentist asked the waiter for chocolate cake but they didn’t have that so he settled for something that looked like chocolate cake but was clearly not as the waiter made sure to clearly explain that although, it resembles cake it isn’t.

The dessert comes out and he didn’t offer a piece to me so I just watch him eat bites of this chocolate tarte (?). And after a couple of bites, he spits it all out to loudly complain that he asked for cake and this isn’t cake.

What?!

I was here when the waiter said that the restaurant didn’t serve chocolate cake and the tart wasn’t cake nor would taste like it.

Someone just shoot me, please.

The dentist kept loudly complaining even though I tried explaining. The waiter took off the dessert from the bill and the dentist happily paid the bill.

He asked me if I wanted to do anything else after dinner and I just asked if he could take me home since I was really tired (of his a-holeness). He surprisingly walked me to my door and hugged me asking for a second date.

The next day, I found coupons for a salad to the same restaurant that I suggested we we eat at and sent a picture sarcastically saying, “Second dates is on me, you can eat your salad and I can get fat off of this burger.”

[A year later, the dentist ran into me and didn’t recognized me as I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and am pretty thin/fit now. He ended up asking me out again without knowing who I was and so I told re-told the story of our very first date and ended up giving him my URL address for this very blog that was inspired by him! I never heard back from the dentist.]

That was my breaking point and made me take a definite break from dating completely, or at least for the upcoming year of 2015.

So instead of dating, I decided to focus on myself and begin a journey of self-love. Originally, the blog was going to be letters to myself as I grew as  a person and could read them in the future looking back.  But one night, after that date as I prayed to God to watch over my loved ones and my future husband (yes, I pray to God over my future husband and any kids we may have) I suddenly got the idea to write letters to my husband instead of myself because he won’t know who I was before he met me.

What I go through before I meet him, will shape me into the person he falls in love with and I think it’s important for him to know what I’ve been through and how I’ve changed.  When you love someone, you love all of them. You love everything about them, not just the good things but the bad things as well. The things you find lovable and the things that you don’t.  You fall in love with their insecurities, disappointments, and the parts that their afraid to show someone. You will see the good in them even when they don’t, you will inspire them to be a better person. You will be the person they count on to never leave because you’re in it for the long run.

And I want my husband to know everything about me and love me in spite of it all.

So I write to him.

In the Rearview

“The only time you should look back is too see how far you’ve come.”      

Dear Future Husband,

When I started this blog in March of last year, I had no expectations of where things would go nor, did I think I would be as committed to this and you as I have become. The point was to write to you when I wanted (though sometimes I didn’t and it was more forcibly) but to write to you nonetheless and share with you my life. I want you to be a part of my past, present and future and to know ALL of me.

With this said, I would have to say, you have definitely spent the last year getting to know me and seeing me both at my best and at my worst. I’ve gone through a lot in one year and I’ve shared it with you. It’s been a tougher note that I ended with and not at all where I imagined myself in the beginning or what I had planned. But if there’s one definite lesson I learned last year, it’s that life never goes as planned.

This was a year of happiness and loss. I became a proud aunt to three handsome little boys who remind me that children are cute little monsters who will destroy anything (even your life) – just kidding! My best friend married the love of her life. I traveled to new places and made friends with strangers.  My mom is newly engaged and I’m planning her wedding for the new year. And as I was ready to start my own life that I worked so hard to build, it all came crashing down towards the end of the year.  But hey, there’s not much I can do when in reality they were other peoples mistakes. I lost my cushy dream job that I absolutely loved (laid off) along with hundreds of others because of corporate politics and selfishness. Because of that I had to put off house hunting. Along with getting cheated on, I shut down and became a mess so I dropped out of college (for a semester) which made me feel like an even bigger loser.  Not my proudest couple of months, but I completely lost it.

I’d like to start off the New Year with such an ultimate comeback story but it’s still being worked on.

If anything 2015 was a year of lessons, lessons that I don’t think  should be forgotten and have taught me things about myself or life that I hope to take away from and share with you:

  • Do what makes you happy, even if it makes others unhappy because the life you live is for yourself and not anyone else.
  • Overthinking will lead to sadness.
  • I’m my own soul mate. For whatever reasons, my time of meeting someone wasn’t now. Instead of forcing chemistry with a person it obviously wasn’t going to work out with, I channeled my energy into myself and want to be the best version of myself for myself. When you love yourself more than anymore can love you and become at peace with yourself, that’s when you’ll find love. Never spend your life searching for your other half, because you are your own soulmate! I believe in true love and know that someday I will meet who God has destined me to be with but until then, I will keep writing letters to you.
  • Surround yourself with like-minded people. The people you associate yourself with are a reflection of who you are.
  • What goes around eventually comes around.
  • Don’t become a victim.  I can’t allow fear stop me from achieving goals because that’s only hindering my success.  Overcome it and keep pushing forward; it’s okay to stumble sometimes, that I might not be sure but all that matters is to keep going!
  • You’re going to grow apart from some people and that’s okay.
  • Things get better with time.
  • Seek quality; something that’s real, something you can grow, something you are proud of because as you grow up, things change, you change and you start to like it that way.
  • Travel, explore! And learn everyday. Always want to experience life in a deeper way.  Never stop pursuing knowledge or being curious of the infinite world.
  • Stay positive even when the world around you is negative!
  • Hate less. Forgive often. Write more.
  • See yourself in the mirror? All of you, your curves and imperfections; you are beautiful. You have a purpose here.  Don’t let a small bump in the road or a mistake blind you from the light that you are.  No matter how hard things get, just relax and breathe.  Go within and release the things you can’t change. You are amazing. I believe in you and I hope you believe in yourself.
  • Find peace in your heart and clarity in your mind,
  • And above all else, just L O V E !

What a  year it has been.   A year of maturity, growth, awareness, and development.  A lot has changed and looking back, nothing is the same. Ending the year, I lost some of the people I began it with or met along the way.  I don’t have the same mentality or outlook and that’s okay. As I evolve, I’m going to change a lot more.  I’ll continue to grow apart from situations, circumstances and even people that aren’t in my best interest. The beautiful thing about leaving a year behind is collecting all the lessons  I’ve learned that I can use in this new year.  My story isn’t over.  It’s still beginning.  All the ups and downs I’ve experienced are preparing me for what’s to come.  I can only get betting when I take my shortcomings as an opportunity to learn and grow.  Last year may have been a year full of lessons, but cross my fingers 2016 is a year of blessings.  I’ll keep my hope and my head up.

I hope great things are coming our way!

Love,

Your Future Wife