[UPDATE: After writing my original post post in its entirety, I ended up seeing Dean one last time. He picked me up from work while we had one “final” talk about us that lasted for a few hours. During this time, I of course ranged from the emotions of upset to crying. Dean declared that he loved me, wished that it was me at the end; he cares about me and a bunch of nonsensical gibberish. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again in which he replied that he wished I wouldn’t say that. He held my hands, hugged me and wiped my tears as I cried. He was doing and saying everything to make amends but the damage was done. Not even two days later, he flaunted that he was back with his ex-girlfriend whom he had also cheated on me with. Of course I re-went through all the emotions again. But there’s not much else to say. In a span of two months of dating Dean, it had been a roller-coaster of emotions and drama. I’m glad I escaped when I did although recovery took longer than past break-ups only because of our friendship and that I trusted him almost immediately. I have had no contact with Dean since that day and his ex and her friends have also stopped harassing me. Life is a lot better for me now and I’ve had friends help me cope with the breakup. I have thought about him from time to time but not in a sad way that I previously had and lost all the anxiety and stress that I had dealing with it all. I just hope he has found happiness and has become a better person. Like the others before Dean, he’s only a part of my story. And just like any story there is love, heartbreak, and happiness.]
Twoish months ago, Dean and I broke up. This had been really hard to write only because I’ve written about us while on our journey; it has played out to the both us and to everyone who reads my blog at the same time. I was at a stand-still while my life was at a cross-roads and slowly, falling apart. Sometimes I think I should’ve have waited before I started writing about us until I knew for sure where things were going but I didn’t. I got excited and let my emotions get the best of me. I was not in love with Dean nor did I ever think he was “The One,” but I did think he was going to be in my life for a while whether it worked out romantically or not. We started as friends and I imagined we’d at least end on that note. He was being a good person to me and I had no reason to think that a relationship wouldn’t work out, and if it didn’t then it was going to be for more of a trivial reason. Never did I think he was capable of doing what he did to me and hurting me in the ways that he has. We did take things slow but people still develop feelings even when you’re moving at a snail slow pace. He didn’t charm his way through my heart; Dean took action into showing and treating me in the ways that I needed and wanted. He was nothing but wonderful and I knew that if we did break up I would still be friends with him just because he made me happy. He was there for me both as a friend and more. We talked some about far future plans that couples usually talk about, nothing extraordinary or even to forward. It came naturally. From what I knew, we were planning a future at least for the next few months or so. We hoped it could progress into something much more serious and deeper but we weren’t rushing nor naively believing we may be together. We just hoped.
When it all began breaking to pieces, I started writing and when it completely fell to shambles pen to paper, the ink was freshly drying off of our ending. Our story was completed and I’ve been patiently waiting until I was ready to publish it but before doing so I wanted Dean’s opinion and/or consent. To be fair, I was putting everything completely out there. Although family, friends, and co-workers of his initially had reached out to me both past and presently, who knew what he had done and apologized on his behalf, they would still read this and every detail of our relationship that went wrong on his part. In the past, I would send him the drafts for review and so even after everything that has transpired, and even though I am merely stating the truth and what happened to me, I didn’t think it was fair at the very least to prepare him for what would be said. I sent the original story to him and have yet to hear a response. As the days passed, I thought about just publishing it so I can finally dust my hands off of all of this but after much consideration I realized that I just really didn’t want to. Not because he still hasn’t given consent but because when I wrote all of this, I was going through the break up and the aftermath in real-life time. But it’s been months since it all happened and everything that I’ve talked about, the feelings that I felt, and just the overall experience; I’m so far removed from it all now. And I realized, I don’t want to drag this out longer than necessary. I don’t want to keep talking about him. Since our break up, I’ve moved on with my life and I want to continue to do that.
Truth is, things didn’t work out-well to be frank-because greater things are in the works. It was difficult and always is when you’re blind and hurting. For awhile I didn’t know what way was up, I was trying to survive and catch the pieces while my entire life was being shaken. My mind raced a million miles an hour and I didn’t know if I would come out alive. But my faith in myself and just in the universe, has a beautiful way of straightening things out far better than I ever could. It’s still not where I want to be but I am grateful things didn’t work out how I once wanted them to.
Just because someone betrayed my trust, I didn’t want to sink to their level and be malicious in writing what happened even though that was never my intent. I’ve allowed people to treat me disrespectfully and I can proudly say that I have not reacted to people’s nonsense. People’s choices are a direct reflection of who they are, and no matter how angry, hurt and disappointed I have been, I am not allowing it to make me bitter. If anything I’m just sad for everyone involved and how they’ve all lashed out/ created all of this drama but I also won’t allow myself to be a victim of this. Through it all I have retaliated with understanding and compassion, acceptance and sheer silence. As a person of compassion, I will always make sure it benefits me as a human being instead of lowing myself into a position which I would rather not be in. I don’t want to negatively speak about someone just because they were an a**, because that doesn’t mean I have to be one too. I want to continue to look forward and not backwards.
Life works in the most beautiful ways and I know I had to go through the ugly moments, but this end story has a celebration. During this time of my life with my break-up, I have also been going through other life-altering events, and I realized that there will continue to be times where I will feel challenged with my back against the wall ready to give up, but it’s been in these moments that my soul has come alive. The darkest hour has messages ready to lead you into light and I will follow that inner wisdom I feel and not give up on myself. My heart knows and my spirit has the answers. I didn’t see it then but I now I know everything is falling into place. Whatever’s meant to be will happen. It always does. So I am letting go of the excess baggage and embracing my transformation. I am open to the blessing that are entering my life and I am ready for them.
There are better days ahead of me and that is the sweetest revenge.