STORY TIME: The (Lying) Lawyer

I hadn’t been on a date since the “break-up” and after a series of unfortunate bad dates I had also stopped referring them to dates long ago. They are merely meet and greets. Where we meet and greet, of course! They can last a few seconds or they can last a few hours all depending on the person.

Although I have been texting and tentatively making plans with guys, my heart really hasn’t been in the place to date.   It’s been fizzling out before it can even begin, which probably has to do more with me then the guys themselves. But I decided to take the plunge and put myself back out there after a few months even if I’m still not really up to mostly just to socialize with someone around my age instead of the balding, gray haired men in my office old enough to be my  dad.

Also, I have taken to a new job-three weeks recent- and have been working late hours which has caused me to cancel on plans and just straight up ignore people (guys who want to take me out). C’mon just cut me some slack, I’m an overworked woman and definitely underpaid.  Combine that with a sour break up and you’ll be unmotivated as well to get back on the dating scene. Because I had been a flake to my current contenders, I had to find a fresh fish and someone who understood my lack of availability.

Cue in the (lying) lawyer. Our conversations were light-heartedly flirty, funny and very relaxed. Newerish to my city and single for year, he was looking for a relationship.  He seemed to be easy going and also worked in the same field as I AND only blocks away from my very own office. He prefaced me that he hoped to find someone who understood his busy work schedule. BINGO! I excitedly explained that I as well had a hectic schedule and wasn’t necessarily needy of so much of his time. Let’s just be honest here, I was bored and needed some young people chit chat. He was 6’2 *swoon* because I’m a heightist, worked out at the same gym- can you say motivation?!- had reddish hair, which btw I always wanted to date a red-head and also, had the cutest dog I could borrow to go running with. Oh, let’s not forget his swanky downtown apartment! So very shallow of me, but well…

We spent the weekend texting all in good fun.  He ended up asking me out a couple of times, in which I just straight up ignored and veered the conversation to different subjects. Why? I have no idea other than the fact that even though I say I would like a boyfriend, in reality I just don’t want to have to get to know someone new, change from my comfy VS sweats and Uggs because I’m basic like that into some tight, uncomfortable piece of clothing, fake laugh sweetly at really bad, probably offensive political jokes and then turn my cheek ever so accidently when he goes in for the kiss. Yeah, can I just skip to the part where I can throw my hair up in a bun with no make-up and veg out eating pizza?!

Because I knew at some point I’d have to meet this guy or let him join my other failed attempts at dating, I suggested lunch during the weekday since we’re both busy and figured it actually wouldn’t happen. WRONG.

Monday came and I was happily holding my breath that he would cancel on me which would have been gladly appreciated.  Unfortunately, he kept true to his word and was available for our meet and greet. As always, the issue of where to get our grub on came up. He offered choices in which I channeled my inner President Obama by vetoing them all.  Finally, after some some tug and war, mostly from me, he took the initiative and just picked a place. Again, one that I wasn’t really fond of nor would it be flexible to my dietary needs. But alas, what is a girl to do?! I didn’t want to come across as a witchy b in just a few texts. After a few moments of contemplation, I realized I was about to trudge across the city quite a ways in new, heeled booties and a dress-although, very figure flattering to a very particular and the best asset of mine if I do say so myself- would be checked out upon dozens of city creeps that dwell the streets. I was too exhausted from the work day to be catcalled and harrassed.

“That’s so farrrrrr from me.”

“What street are you on?”

(Insert street named after a type of nut.)

“It’s only a few blocks away.”


I was going to have to either suck it up and go or just bail/complain until he picked something closer to me/or just bail.

I wish I had bailed.

It was a fifteen minute walk in the cold air where cars also joined in the street harrassment I endured as I paraded through. Half a block away from my destination a homeless guy blocked me from passing through and a dance of tango ensued. As I made my way passed him, he asked if I would like to sit down and talk to him. Annoyed at his crazy antics and the lawyer’s texts of his arrival fifteen minutes ago because he was mere 3 blocks away from the restaurant, I angrily declined the offer.  Of course, the creep decided to follow me and yell profanities as tourists watched a 100 lb girl run from a man twice her size.

Standing outside of the door with phone in hand, I text the lawyer asking where he was seated so I didn’t have to awkwardly scout for him. He was having a drink at the bar. I popped up beside him saying a (hopeful) cheerily hi and asked if we could sit in a booth as I really hate bars and booze.  We made our way to an alcove and sat across from each other while engaged in pleasant conversation.  He ordered for me (?) and for a few seconds I wondered if I was on a date or being babysat.  We talked about work, family, interests, etc.  No red flags or unpleasantries. He paid the tab, laughed at my jokes and seemed like a gentleman.

Oh, I did notice standing in close proximity to him that he was not 6’2. Le ex-boyfriend was and there was no way the lawyer was. More like a confident 5’10 or a generous 5’11.

Which I have to ask, why do almost all guys lie about their height?! I’ll know when I wear heels and no amount of love  I have for you will make me get over the fact that I’m taller than you.

He mentioned that he knew a few people I knew. (WHY DO GUYS ALWAYS GIVE US GIRLS AMMUNITION TO STALK THEM?!) We hugged, said our goodbyes walked in opposite directions back to work.  Immediately, I googled the ish out of this guy. He previously mentioned that he didn’t have a Facebook which I always find hard to believe and has proven if they don’t have social media it’s because they are hiding something orrrrrr in this case someone.

DISCLAIMER: Guys if you are reading this and end up taking me out on a date, just know that I have or will cyber stalk you and will find out all your deepest, darkest secrets. Never underestimate my ability to find things out because I WILL find out sooner or later.

During my “intense research” (because stranger danger, ya know), I found out: he does have a Facebook which is actively active along with other social media profiles, he is indeed NOT a lawyer but an office clerk in a law office, he did not graduate law school because he is currently in law school and worst/most importantly, he is a M A R R I E D man.

I literally started laughing my (best) asset off.

Because yes, somehow I would end up on a date with someone else’s man. But I’m not that desperate. He may be unhappily married, but married nonetheless.

I received a few more texts from him later in the evening but considering his current relationship status…

So of course, I did what I’m becoming very good at.








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