Dean Sevine: Sweetest Revenge

[UPDATE: After writing my original post post in its entirety, I ended up seeing Dean one last time. He picked me up from work while we had one “final” talk about us that lasted for a few hours. During this time, I of course ranged from the emotions of upset to crying. Dean declared that he loved me, wished that it was me at the end; he cares about me and a bunch of nonsensical gibberish. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again in which he replied that he wished I wouldn’t say that. He held my hands, hugged me and wiped my tears as I cried. He was doing and saying everything to make amends but the damage was done. Not even two days later, he flaunted that he was back with his ex-girlfriend whom he had also cheated on me with. Of course I re-went through all the emotions again. But there’s not much else to say. In a span of two months of dating Dean, it had been a roller-coaster of emotions and drama. I’m glad I escaped when I did although recovery took longer than past break-ups only because of our friendship and that I trusted him almost immediately. I have had no contact with Dean since that day and his ex and her friends have also stopped harassing me. Life is a lot better for me now and I’ve had friends help me cope with the breakup. I have thought about him from time to time but not in a sad way that I previously had and lost all the anxiety and stress that I had dealing with it all. I just hope he has found happiness and has become a better person. Like the others before Dean, he’s only a part of my story. And just like any story there is love, heartbreak, and happiness.]

Twoish months ago, Dean and I broke up. This had been really hard to write only because I’ve written about us while on our journey; it has played out to the both us and to everyone who reads my blog at the same time. I was at a stand-still while my life was at a cross-roads and slowly, falling apart. Sometimes I think I should’ve have waited before I started writing about us until I knew for sure where things were going but I didn’t. I got excited and let my emotions get the best of me. I was not in love with Dean nor did I ever think he was “The One,” but I did think he was going to be in my life for a while whether it worked out romantically or not. We started as friends and I imagined we’d at least end on that note. He was being a good person to me and I had no reason to think that a relationship wouldn’t work out, and if it didn’t then it was going to be for more of a trivial reason. Never did I think he was capable of doing what he did to me and hurting me in the ways that he has. We did take things slow but people still develop feelings even when you’re moving at a snail slow pace. He didn’t charm his way through my heart; Dean took action into showing and treating me in the ways that I needed and wanted. He was nothing but wonderful and I knew that if we did break up I would still be friends with him just because he made me happy. He was there for me both as a friend and more. We talked some about far future plans that couples usually talk about, nothing extraordinary or even to forward. It came naturally. From what I knew, we were planning a future at least for the next few months or so. We hoped it could progress into something much more serious and deeper but we weren’t rushing nor naively believing we may be together. We just hoped.

When it all began breaking to pieces, I started writing and when it completely fell to shambles pen to paper, the ink was freshly drying off of our ending. Our story was completed and I’ve been patiently waiting until I was ready to publish it but before doing so I wanted Dean’s opinion and/or consent. To be fair, I was putting everything completely out there. Although family, friends, and co-workers of his initially had reached out to me both past and presently, who knew what he had done and apologized on his behalf, they would still read this and every detail of our relationship that went wrong on his part. In the past, I would send him the drafts for review and so even after everything that has transpired, and even though I am merely stating the truth and what happened to me, I didn’t think it was fair at the very least to prepare him for what would be said.  I sent the original story to him and have yet to hear a response. As the days passed, I thought about just publishing it so I can finally dust my hands off of all of this but after much consideration I realized that I just really didn’t want to. Not because he still hasn’t given consent but because when I wrote all of this, I was going through the break up and the aftermath in real-life time. But it’s been months since it all happened and everything that I’ve talked about, the feelings that I felt, and just the overall experience; I’m so far removed from it all now. And I realized, I don’t want to drag this out longer than necessary. I don’t want to keep talking about him. Since our break up, I’ve moved on with my life and I want to continue to do that.

Truth is, things didn’t work out-well to be frank-because greater things are in the works.  It was difficult and always is when you’re blind and hurting. For awhile I didn’t know what way was up, I was trying to survive and catch the pieces while my entire life was being shaken.  My mind raced a million miles an hour and I didn’t know if I would come out alive. But my faith in myself and just in the universe,  has a beautiful way of straightening things out far better than I ever could. It’s still not where I want to be but I am grateful things didn’t work out how I once wanted them to.

Just because someone betrayed my trust, I didn’t want to sink to their level and be malicious in writing what happened even though that was never my intent.  I’ve allowed people to treat me disrespectfully and I can proudly say that I have not reacted to people’s nonsense.  People’s choices are a direct reflection of who they are, and no matter how angry, hurt and disappointed I have been, I am not allowing it to make me bitter. If anything I’m just sad for everyone involved and how they’ve all lashed out/ created all of this drama but I also won’t allow myself to be a victim of this. Through it all I have retaliated with understanding and compassion, acceptance and sheer silence.  As a person of compassion, I will always make sure it benefits me as a human being instead of lowing myself into a position which I would rather not be in.  I don’t want to negatively speak about someone just because they were an a**, because that doesn’t mean I have to be one too. I want to continue to look forward and not backwards.

Life works in the most beautiful ways and I know I had to go through the ugly moments, but this end story has a celebration.  During this time of my life with my break-up, I have also been going through other life-altering events, and I realized that there will continue to be times where I will feel challenged with my back against the wall ready to give up, but it’s been in these moments that my soul has come alive.  The darkest hour has messages ready to lead  you into light and I will follow that inner wisdom I feel and not give up on myself.  My heart knows and my spirit has the answers.  I didn’t see it then but I now I know everything is falling into place.  Whatever’s meant to be will happen.  It always does.  So I am letting go of the excess baggage and embracing my transformation. I am open to the blessing that are entering my life and I am ready for them.

There are better days ahead of me and that is the sweetest revenge.

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Thoughts

Dear Future Husband,

Sometimes during my lunch hour, I will walk to my favorite cafe and take seat at the coffee bar, not because I’m in dire need of coffee but in conversation. Ever since I was a little girl, I was given the gift of gab. Somewhere, somehow I strike up conversations with random strangers in hopes that they become a little less random and a lot more interesting; usually skipping the small talk-because it often flees from depth and meaning. Personal questions are considered inappropriate. Likewise, any emotion besides happy or neutral is discouraged. Consequently, authenticity dies on the vine. Often I’m that brave soul who asks inappropriate questions and laughs at all the wrong times. I cling to the hope that my path will collide with someone who is unapologetically authentic. I am ever in search of someone who craves depth over breadth. More than anything, I hope that just beyond the barrier of superficial banter I will find true connection.

I have the deepest affection for any bit of an intellectual connection; the ability to just sit and talk about love, life, something, anything and everything!

As a young twenty-something year old trying to date in the city, it’s been difficult. As I’ve grown older, my “list” has changed and no longer is an aesthetically appealing exterior the most important thing. Physical attractions are common and to an extent are important, but a mental connection is rare.  I hope to meet someone who awakens my soul, a person who can ignite a fire deep within myself that I never thought existed.

For myself, there is nothing more refreshing than stimulation and opening each other’s minds, breaking down barriers of thinking, challenging each other’s barriers of believing. People who do this are more magical. They come into your life to make you more aware, more curious, and more open to possibilities. There is never a dull moment with them. And they’re capable of doing these things not with what they look like, but with who they are.

Having this ability to tap into the darkest parts of you and shed light into it. Being able to fall in love with your mind. The kind of person who falls in love with your ideas and thoughts.  The kind of person who swoons over intelligence. The kind of person who makes ME less afraid of life, love and of living.  The kind of person who genuinely cares about me and my own well-being.  People like this are rare.

And I hope to find this…

In you.

Love,

Your Future Wife

STORY TIME: The (Lying) Lawyer

I hadn’t been on a date since the “break-up” and after a series of unfortunate bad dates I had also stopped referring them to dates long ago. They are merely meet and greets. Where we meet and greet, of course! They can last a few seconds or they can last a few hours all depending on the person.

Although I have been texting and tentatively making plans with guys, my heart really hasn’t been in the place to date.   It’s been fizzling out before it can even begin, which probably has to do more with me then the guys themselves. But I decided to take the plunge and put myself back out there after a few months even if I’m still not really up to mostly just to socialize with someone around my age instead of the balding, gray haired men in my office old enough to be my  dad.

Also, I have taken to a new job-three weeks recent- and have been working late hours which has caused me to cancel on plans and just straight up ignore people (guys who want to take me out). C’mon just cut me some slack, I’m an overworked woman and definitely underpaid.  Combine that with a sour break up and you’ll be unmotivated as well to get back on the dating scene. Because I had been a flake to my current contenders, I had to find a fresh fish and someone who understood my lack of availability.

Cue in the (lying) lawyer. Our conversations were light-heartedly flirty, funny and very relaxed. Newerish to my city and single for year, he was looking for a relationship.  He seemed to be easy going and also worked in the same field as I AND only blocks away from my very own office. He prefaced me that he hoped to find someone who understood his busy work schedule. BINGO! I excitedly explained that I as well had a hectic schedule and wasn’t necessarily needy of so much of his time. Let’s just be honest here, I was bored and needed some young people chit chat. He was 6’2 *swoon* because I’m a heightist, worked out at the same gym- can you say motivation?!- had reddish hair, which btw I always wanted to date a red-head and also, had the cutest dog I could borrow to go running with. Oh, let’s not forget his swanky downtown apartment! So very shallow of me, but well…

We spent the weekend texting all in good fun.  He ended up asking me out a couple of times, in which I just straight up ignored and veered the conversation to different subjects. Why? I have no idea other than the fact that even though I say I would like a boyfriend, in reality I just don’t want to have to get to know someone new, change from my comfy VS sweats and Uggs because I’m basic like that into some tight, uncomfortable piece of clothing, fake laugh sweetly at really bad, probably offensive political jokes and then turn my cheek ever so accidently when he goes in for the kiss. Yeah, can I just skip to the part where I can throw my hair up in a bun with no make-up and veg out eating pizza?!

Because I knew at some point I’d have to meet this guy or let him join my other failed attempts at dating, I suggested lunch during the weekday since we’re both busy and figured it actually wouldn’t happen. WRONG.

Monday came and I was happily holding my breath that he would cancel on me which would have been gladly appreciated.  Unfortunately, he kept true to his word and was available for our meet and greet. As always, the issue of where to get our grub on came up. He offered choices in which I channeled my inner President Obama by vetoing them all.  Finally, after some some tug and war, mostly from me, he took the initiative and just picked a place. Again, one that I wasn’t really fond of nor would it be flexible to my dietary needs. But alas, what is a girl to do?! I didn’t want to come across as a witchy b in just a few texts. After a few moments of contemplation, I realized I was about to trudge across the city quite a ways in new, heeled booties and a dress-although, very figure flattering to a very particular and the best asset of mine if I do say so myself- would be checked out upon dozens of city creeps that dwell the streets. I was too exhausted from the work day to be catcalled and harrassed.

“That’s so farrrrrr from me.”

“What street are you on?”

(Insert street named after a type of nut.)

“It’s only a few blocks away.”

Sigh.

I was going to have to either suck it up and go or just bail/complain until he picked something closer to me/or just bail.

I wish I had bailed.

It was a fifteen minute walk in the cold air where cars also joined in the street harrassment I endured as I paraded through. Half a block away from my destination a homeless guy blocked me from passing through and a dance of tango ensued. As I made my way passed him, he asked if I would like to sit down and talk to him. Annoyed at his crazy antics and the lawyer’s texts of his arrival fifteen minutes ago because he was mere 3 blocks away from the restaurant, I angrily declined the offer.  Of course, the creep decided to follow me and yell profanities as tourists watched a 100 lb girl run from a man twice her size.

Standing outside of the door with phone in hand, I text the lawyer asking where he was seated so I didn’t have to awkwardly scout for him. He was having a drink at the bar. I popped up beside him saying a (hopeful) cheerily hi and asked if we could sit in a booth as I really hate bars and booze.  We made our way to an alcove and sat across from each other while engaged in pleasant conversation.  He ordered for me (?) and for a few seconds I wondered if I was on a date or being babysat.  We talked about work, family, interests, etc.  No red flags or unpleasantries. He paid the tab, laughed at my jokes and seemed like a gentleman.

Oh, I did notice standing in close proximity to him that he was not 6’2. Le ex-boyfriend was and there was no way the lawyer was. More like a confident 5’10 or a generous 5’11.

Which I have to ask, why do almost all guys lie about their height?! I’ll know when I wear heels and no amount of love  I have for you will make me get over the fact that I’m taller than you.

He mentioned that he knew a few people I knew. (WHY DO GUYS ALWAYS GIVE US GIRLS AMMUNITION TO STALK THEM?!) We hugged, said our goodbyes walked in opposite directions back to work.  Immediately, I googled the ish out of this guy. He previously mentioned that he didn’t have a Facebook which I always find hard to believe and has proven if they don’t have social media it’s because they are hiding something orrrrrr in this case someone.

DISCLAIMER: Guys if you are reading this and end up taking me out on a date, just know that I have or will cyber stalk you and will find out all your deepest, darkest secrets. Never underestimate my ability to find things out because I WILL find out sooner or later.

During my “intense research” (because stranger danger, ya know), I found out: he does have a Facebook which is actively active along with other social media profiles, he is indeed NOT a lawyer but an office clerk in a law office, he did not graduate law school because he is currently in law school and worst/most importantly, he is a M A R R I E D man.

I literally started laughing my (best) asset off.

Because yes, somehow I would end up on a date with someone else’s man. But I’m not that desperate. He may be unhappily married, but married nonetheless.

I received a few more texts from him later in the evening but considering his current relationship status…

So of course, I did what I’m becoming very good at.

BLOCKED.