It was quiet, her parents had already gone to bed. I’m not sure if it was the lamp light or the burning tears that blinded me. She laid next to me, listening to my shaking sobs. Both of us wrapped in blankets squeezed onto a full size bed in her childhood room.
I didn’t wipe my tears. I just let the blanket absorb my saltwater. She spoke softly. But I only cried harder.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m not happy. I’m so insecure. I feel like crap. I shouldn’t feel like this.”
She was trying to be a good friend. She IS a good friend.
She tried to understand.
I tried not to throw up.
“But you don’t. You’re getting married next month. He loves you.”
Being single for five years, I’ve only come across guys who have hurt me. Never have I had a serious relationship or been in love. I’ve cared deeply for a few and have fought like hell to make it work but there’s only so much pain I can take before I toughen up and walk away. The one guy that was a good guy and my best friend, someone I loved- he passed away a few years ago. I have to live with that everyday and just feel alone without him. I’ve been used and abused, I’ve made sacrifices for others who were unwilling to even say a kind word to me. When you’ve been as hurt as I have been and continue to do so, you build walls up, you lose faith, you will do everything and anything to make sure you never hurt like that again. You question their motives and the words they speak become lies. Priorities changes. You change.
You may fall apart but you know you will be ok. Because you’re always ok. And your heart hardens.
I’m ok. I’m always ok. I pick myself up. But I cry because sometimes I don’t want to be strong. Deep down, in my heart, against my own lies that I say to make people believe that I am happy, I just want a man who will take care of me when I can’t take care of myself. I want to fall in love. I want to trust and believe him when he says he cares about me. I don’t want to be repeatedly hurt. I hope that one day, a man can come into my life and love me in all ways I deserve to be loved.
We talk a bit more. She trying to soothe me in my pain. But I can’t talk anymore.
She turned the light off, and I fell asleep sobbing quietly as she softly breathed.
She’s driving back now. She’s a good friend. It’s a lonely life I live even if she tries to understand. But she tries. And she’s here for me every time I say her name.
Tears wells up behind the makeup and my favorite pair of Chanel sunglasses.