In•Sincere Intentions

Dear Future Husband,

I’m scared.

I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of bugs. I’m also scared of car crashes and sometimes the dark.

But what scares me the most is love.

I know that’s harsh but I can’t help but think about the worst things that happen. I hope I meet you. I hope we’re madly in love and can stay together even when it starts getting tough. Love is real and raw but it’s also hard.

I’ve never been in love and the thought that I may possibly feel that way about someone, especially you frightens me. My heart has been played with so many times I don’t open up easily, which has made it difficult to make friends or even date. I’ve built my wall so high and guys don’t have the patience to try anymore. They give up, and I don’t blame them. I know I’m not the easiest person to date or even get to know, I’m stubborn, needy and so very guarded. Being with me will be difficult. I second guess and over analyze. People have come in and out of my life so much that I’ve stopped caring, attachments to people aren’t made and I keep to myself because no one has ever loved me as much as I’ve loved myself. I’ve been used, abused and taken for granted by friends, boyfriends and even family. Some of the most important people of my life whom I’ve trusted have turned their backs on me.

Yes, I’m tough and hardened but I still care about people, especially those that I’ve learned to trust. I’m a genuine and honest person, the things I’ve done and will do for people, no one has done for me. I would walk through fire and give my soul for those few I love.

When I love, I love fiercely and intensely. I also realize my love isn’t for everybody and that’s ok. I have the faith and strength to keep trusting that things will work out in how they’re supposed to. I will keep growing and learning.

I also know that if I fall in love and it does hurt, I have the strength to persevere through it because I know what my heart deserves this time around.

Love doesn’t quit. And neither will I. Please never stop fighting for me. For US.

Love,

Your Future Wife

Q & A: Setting Expectations

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog, comments and sends supportive messages of encouragement. With this, I have also received questions about what I am looking for, why love letters to my future husband and so much more. I figured I will take time to answer any that you all have. Below is my first Q&A.

Q: Are you afraid that you are setting your own expectations for what your husband will be? Everybody is different and you may miss out on the love of someone who is incredible in a different way.

A: I have crystal clear expectations of my future husband. Not physically but emotionally, & intellectually. I want my FH to be compassionate, hard-working, respectful and open minded. I know how I want him to treat myself & any kids we may have. I’m not afraid that I’m setting my own expectations for my FH because my expectations aren’t low or even too high. My expectations of him are what women should want in a man. I know what I want and I’m not willing to compromise on that or settle for any less. I’m not asking for him to make six figures, i just want to know that he will work hard to provide for himself and his family. I don’t want a man who buys me materialistic things, I want a man who spends times with me, who will make me laugh & holds me tight when I’m sad, who knows the little things about me. I’m not looking for a husband based on how attractive he is. I’m looking for someone who will love me no matter what. I am setting my own expectations for what my husband will be like because I know what kind of woman and wife I will be, what I can be. I’m willing to make sacrifices and do the dirty work; I want to make sure that I have a team mate as well.

Yes, every man may be different, but all good men will have the qualities I’m looking for and if I can meet a man who does then I’m not missing out on an incredible love because I will have found it in him. I’m not missing out on anyone or anything because as long as we love each other, well then that’s all that really matters.

Dean Sevine ♥

Going through my social media account last night and the messages that ensued after posting another fashionable #selfie, I came across a message from Dean**. He was a few years older than me and had pretty blues along with a gorgeous white smile. (Cue the awing.) Clicking right to view more of his photos, I saw him sunglasses on holding a large stingray, in the background of a ship and ocean waters.

My mouth dropped.

Clicking more fervently, and a little bit dizzy I started studying his photos. None of which I recognized.

I went back to the stingray.

Scrolling to his about me I saw details that I memorized from two years ago. His alma mater listed with the same major that I recall. Repeating his hobbies, I read.

IT WAS DEAN.

“Hey Tiarra, how are you? You are a very talented writer.”

“DEAN OMG.”

“I’ve been looking for you!”

“Am I being punked or are you serious?!”

I realized he didn’t remember me and went on to explain that a couple of years ago that I actually really liked him. We had never exchanged phone numbers, instead using social media accounts to talk. We used to talk all day, every day until one day he no longer replied to any of my messages. I had no idea why, as we were just friends and nothing had been said to offend or anger anyone. We literally talked 24/7 and he just stopped then disappeared from all social media altogether. I gave him his full name and details of him that I knew. I had no idea why he stopped talking to me and couldn’t tell him anything further. He had just gone MIA.

He didn’t remember me.

I pushed once more.

“Was this two years ago?”

“YES!”

Two years ago, he was in an accident he said and suffered a brain injury in which he had memory deficiencies and can’t remember what happened before the accident. He apologized for his MIA status. He has been recovering, graduated, and dealt with family and friends.

It was chilling to read his account of details, because within the last two years I’ve tried to find ways to contact him to no avail. I’ve always wondered what happened to Dean and worried. I don’t know why, I just knew that it wasn’t like him to just disappear. There had to be a reason, and I was often fearful that the reason was a worrying one. He couldn’t sleep all night and because I read his messages at work in the early morning, I couldn’t focus.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve always felt there was something more than ignored messages. I just KNEW he wasn’t like that and had an intuition that something did in fact happen.

I’ve text him this morning and am checking my phone every few seconds. I’m not sure what to expect or what series of events will come to play. I don’t even know what kind of accident or how traumatizing it may have been. All I know is he doesn’t remember who I am. I remember him and have memories of us. I don’t want to push him or scare him off. We may text and never meet or meet and never talk again or become friends… I have no idea.

I’m not sure if he will even respond. And if he doesn’t that’s fine. I have closure now.

It’s just a little mind blowing to be honest.

Story Time: Rolex Guy

Because my blog is all about love, relationships, and well……………..ME! (Pretty narcissistic, eh?) Anyways, because my blog is about my experiences, I thought I would share one of the worst dating disasters I have allowed – minus the one that inspired this very blog!

We had met downtown, where I work & where he was visiting for a nationally held conference. He was funny and really nice surprisingly for a guy who was handsome as he was. When he asked me to lunch the following day, I said yes. Originally, the plan was to dine at an upscale steak house that was in between both of our locations.

Because I was wearing heels and didn’t want to make the trek passed blocks of homeless people that occupy the bus stops, he offered to pick me up.

The way his shiny Mercedes pulled up against my building’s curbside, should have been red flag number one into how our lunch would play out. I should have reversed my steps back into my building taking the elevator back to my office and into my chair where I should have text, Cough Cough, I’m sick- I can’t go. (Mean Girls classic btw.)

But he was nice. And funny. And handsome.

Yeah, right!

His shiny Mercedes pulled up and my legs climbed in. He was on the phone talking loud and fast, then texting so much as if he was about to close a business deal. I sat there studying my surroundings. A Rolex decorated his wrist, as he drummed his arm on the wheel I saw he had GOLD cufflinks, red bottom dress shoes and Ray Bans covered his eyes.

After his “business”, he slid his glasses off and smiled a bleach white smile he probably paid thousands for and his green eyes danced in the sunlight as he apologized and proceeded to drive onwards the restaurant. I gave him the best driving directions I possibly could as downtown is a complicated maze of tourists, business people, cyclists, traffic and the horridity of multiple one way streets.

On the way, we passed a bar in which he tried convincing me to go to mid-day. Of course, I just smiled and said no thank you. To which his reply was to further convince me that a couple of drinks would be fun and fine in which he went from insistent to pushy. He decided he didn’t want to go to the steakhouse. It was too pricey.

Annoyed but not upset, I obliged and we settled on chain restaurant. We got off the car and walked across the lot, he hurriedly and I struggling to not get caught in the cobblestone. Entering the eatery, we were directed to a table and again he tried to convince me to dine at the bar. I sat down unmoving so he would understand that I would not change my mind. Heaving a sigh of annoyance, he sat across me and started texting, making calls due to “business.” He ordered an assortment of alcoholic beverages for himself while I sipped a water. During the few minutes of conversation we had in which we talked a bit about national news, politics (I know right?) and even the weather. It is when I should have punched him in the face when he stated:

“I didn’t think you would be smart.”

WHAT?!

“I mean for a pretty girl you’re really smart.”

Did you just say what I think you said?!

“Take it as a compliment, a gorgeous girl like you-normally, beautiful girls aren’t smart.”

It only got worse as the lunch progressed.

He kept trying to snap at the waitress while I chided him like a misbehaving child to not do so. He started slamming the table instead only aggravating me worse. He talked about being an only child and living in Europe, life with a nanny and other bullish lies. He took out thick wads of hundreds and started counting them at the table when the bill came, only to display an AMEX and confide in me he only brought me because he was going to expense my lunch as a company charge. All of this within twenty minutes of dining at the restaurant because upon seating, he exclaimed he had thirty minutes to eat before needing to meet his boss.

When leaving, the hostess stood outside and against the door, he waited a few seconds before pushing the door hard against her and leaving me to apologize profusely for his jerkish behavior. I was mortified.

We got in the car where again he tried to use his poor power of persuasion to get a drink with him. He poured me with compliments which only met eye rolls. Finally having enough, I dished it back to him and he was quiet before laughing and saying that I’m quite sassy.

A block before my drop off, he asked me to dinner in which I laughed and said no. I was one and done. He was not used to being turned down, or so he says.

“More like hit it and quit it. My car windows are tinted, we can go to a parking lot.”

I met his response with a slammed door of his Mercedes. Which of course, was probably rented just like his cheesy suit and tie.

He texted me a little later in the day saying he had the best time ever.

I did not.

BLOCKED.

A Dragon

Five years –all of which I’ve been single- I still say I’m kissing toads until my Prince Charming comes along. After years of bad dates, which I’m not sure if there is just a bad dating pool in my area but also, which I know does have to do with the fact I’ve grown as a person. Although the writer in me is a hopeless romantic, I’m not a wide-eyed naïve girl.

Truthfully, I’ve given up on Once Upon a Time…

What I realize now that I didn’t then is that I never wanted someone to rescue me from my current life. I need and want a partner that can challenge and inspire me with his intellect and heart. A prince who doesn’t need to save my world or want to be my whole world. Just someone who can be a part of it.

I’ve never wanted a man to take care of me or whisk me away to a magical kingdom where all your dreams come true. Because, well to be frank, I can make my own dreams come true. Instead, I imagine the successes I achieve and the life I’ve built from it all and sharing that with someone I’m truly in love with. A person who contributes to my life as well as the life of his own.

Grand gestures of love in the grand scheme of things are just temporary thrills of passion. I just want simply, the little things- like how I can easily fold into him as he drinks his morning coffee which is just as romantic than watching him perform a live lip-dub syncing musical with terrible dance moves included.

Instead, I want a guy whose love won’t waiver, who is strong enough to stand by my side no matter how tough the tidal waves slam against us even in the stormiest of storms.

Being single and nearing my mid-twenties, I’ve been rationalized as picky, who has these illusions of a soulmate. But I’m not holding out for something that doesn’t exist nor am I pushing away good-enough men because I am dreaming of an unattainable prize.

(Single, Taken, or just eating frozen pizza) I’m working on myself. It’s about building my writing career, travels, adopting a puppy, looking for an apartment, pretending to be a fitness junkie, becoming a doting aunt, bridesmaid bouquets, graduation, loss, Instagram filters, makeup, laughter, and one day, it will be about love.

In my past relationships and my dating life, I don’t plan for a happy ending. One of two outcomes will happen, it will end or it will lead into something greater. But I’m not interested in endings; I want to know how my love story began. Which is also a point of this blog, it’s not to fantasize about my future but instead to appreciate and document the beginnings before our love. When will we meet? After how many dates, happy and disappointing moments, does our love begin?

When it happens, it won’t be a fairytale – it will be a part of my story.

A story of a girl who didn’t believe in fairytales, but wrote her own. A story where I slayed the dragon and saved myself because I’m not a princess who needs to be rescued. Where I don’t have to settle with someone just to be secure. My marriage won’t be summed up with three little words of happily ever after, but is a lifetime of rises and falls, plot twists, and tough love. One where we choose each other, the start of working together towards our own happiness in life and love.

What I wish for doesn’t require a fairy god mother, forest animals, and a kiss to break the spell or a castle.

It might take some time until I meet you but until then, I’m not waiting for my prince to come. Instead, I’m doing what you’re doing too: living my own story- except, I happen to be writing it to you. I’m not the one authoring our plotlines, but someday they will meet, and I hope we are happily apart until we’re not!

Amaxophobia Among Other Things

Hello, love!

It’s been about six months of love letters already. Can you believe that time has gone by so fast already? Imagine when we’re married or when we have kids! Eeeek.

Although I’ve written a handful of letters already, I noticed there’s not much about me you know yet. My apologies. I’m not one who opens up easily, please be patient with me. In spite of how guarded I am, I’ve decided to tell you a few things about me so you can better understand who I am when you’re reading these later on. I’m not sure what I’ll tell you specifically, probably a combination of facts, memories, likes/dislikes and just random stuff that comes to mind. Here we go:

1. I don’t even know if you know my age right now. I started writing you letters at the ripe old age of 24. I wonder how old I’ll be when we get married.

2. My birthday is in October and my FAVORITE holiday! (Yes, my birthday is a holiday.)

3. Coral roses are my favorite flower.

4. Eldest of three children, I have a sister (middle child) and a brother (the baby and only boy – so he’s terribly spoiled.) We’re all two years apart so still relatively young.

5. Don’t laugh but when I was about four/fivish, I truly believed I was a real princess and my mom was my evil stepmother who kidnapped me. I would play outside singing songs about how my real parents who were a king and queen would rescue me from my “horrid” life. (Too many Disney movies, I blame that on my evil stepmother mom!)

6. I swallowed a live goldfish as a dare.

7. I don’t drink. Never been drunk nor have I ever finished a full alcoholic beverage. Not my thing.

8. Also, I’ve never eaten a salad. I HATE VEGGIES. With the food palate of a five year old I tend to be a picky eater and either eat basic foods like chicken tenders and mac or starve. Mostly starve though.

9. Currently, I’m “paleo.” I haven’t been doing a very good job of that though and kind of have been slacking on my diet. I do go to the gym five days a week though! So be proud future bae.

10. Bae means before anyone else and in Danish that means poop. So I just called you future poop. 

11. I have 0 kids. They scare me!

12. Business major

13. I can finish 15 books in a day; but that’s only if I have a clear schedule of 24 hrs. Otherwise, I can read about 3-5 books depending on time and long they are.

14. I have Amaxophobia.

15. My current occupation is a Legal/Marketing Assistant. It’s a great career that I love. Before this, I worked in hospitality.

16. Born in Los Angeles but grew up in small country towns in Texas.

17. Favorite movie and book is Pride & Prejudice.

18. I’ve never been in love.

19. I grew up dirt poor: I’ve lived in the ghettos, projects & even a former crack house. But my mom worked hard to instill values in us so we would grow up to have a better future for ourselves. (Thanks mom!) I’m a middle class citizen now but it took a lot of hard work to get to where I am now and I just want to keep being a better person.

20. Volunteering is important to me. Currently, I’m working on a city wide outreach project with the local food bank. And also on the committee for the rodeo.

21. Planning my friend’s bridal shower. (Fingers crossed it goes over smoothly as it’s been a little hectic.)

22. My sister is passed her due date and I will be an aunt any day now!

23. Hobbies include: fishing, hiking, swimming, horseback riding, camping, reading, writing, watching movies, eating, shopping.

24. I make the BEST chocolate covered strawberries!

25. I love you.

As life changes, as will I, I’ll keep updating this. By the time you read this, there might be hundreds of things to know about me. And you can tell me all about yourself!

Love,

Your Future Wife