One moment that keeps coming to mind is from last weekend when I was sitting on the Patio of a bar while the stars gazed down & the moon guided the tidal waves that would gently slap against the beach. I could see shadows beyond the palm tree & the Florida air was hot & sticky. I “sipped” my watered down version of a mojito as I slowly snapped out the moment & heard my friends laughing behind me to whatever their drinks had made funny. I turned from facing the St. Pete’s beach to the guy whose attention I had all night before he abruptly left & becoming completely drunk. I don’t know if he was drunk before he insulted me but I’d like to think so since we actually had a great conversation: 1.) for being strangers, 2.) even though alcohol was involved, & 3.) because I was able to open up slightly to a guy before the little escapade of his.
When I turned back, knees facing his thigh, I leaned in more as the laughter floated louder & closer this time.
We chatted about working in the legal field, the fact that he & his friends like my group didn’t go out very much, our very close age, him being a local giving me tourist advice, & our hobbies. As I said writing,that perked his interest. He asked what I wrote & if I was a actual paid writer. I explained that I wrote for fun & right now I was writing personal entries. I’ve tried shopping around a few ideas to local papers & magazines to no avail. He was insistent in knowing what I wrote. & at that time as well, is when his friend was quiet, sat down next to us & waited for my response. During this time the group became a little quieter. (It’s always when you want it to be the loudest is when it gets the quietest as youre about to divulge top secret personal information.) I loudly said,”you can’t laugh though!” They of course promised while my bright red face hidden in the dark moonlight sputtered quickly & quietly. “Love letters to my future husband.”
There was a pause while I comteplated burrowing my head in the sand or knocking my head against the bar. Neither sounded appealing. So I…
“So like a diary then?” Kimbo Slice** asked. (The nickname I gave to the one next to me as his name was in similar fashion as the boxer’s.)
“Mmm kind of. But really it’s love letters to my future husband.”
“What do you write to him?”
“Anything really…I write about personal experiences, thoughts & feelings that I want him to know.”
The conversation continued in that fashion as I tried to explain my blog. He asked what gave me the idea to write these letters & I told him last year I went on an 8 month dating hiatus, not because I intentionally swore off men, but because I needed a break from the harsh realities of the dating world. In December 2014, I met a “great guy” who I went out with who had been trying for few months to get my attention. On paper he was perfect until the first date. I skipped through all his missteps before dinner & flatly said that basically when he took me to the fancy overcrowded, slow serving restaurant & I eagerly suggesting walking to the whataburger down the street for burgers in my 6in heels, tight dress all glammed up-because what girl would suggest that decked out like that?- he called me fat.
Both guys almost spit out their drinks at that point. But I finished saying after that, I don’t want to just date to date. The next relationship I get in, I’d like to progress into something more & just find a man that’s meant for me. I’m writing to him because when I get married, my husband is going to love me for my accomplishments & imperfections. He’s going to love the woman that I am at that time and the woman I will become again. But I also want him to love me for the woman I was before because everything right now before I meet him, my mistakes, failures, successes, all of that is going to make me be the woman I will be & that woman he falls in love with. I want him to be a part of my journey from the very beginning so he will know who I am & love me for ALL of me: past, present & future.
“That’s deep,” Kimbo Slice slurred.
I ended up talking to his friend Eric** more the rest of the night. And we just talked more about relationships, his survival of cancer, & goals of ours. Eric & I ended up having a great connection but because “the one person I meet that I’m actually into lives across the country” we settled on being Facebook friends and there wasn’t anything more to that.
I’m not sure why I keep replaying that conversation, not at all because I’m head over heels for a random guy because I’m not. But partly because these guys were actually interested in something about me. I’ve met awesome guys but when it comes to opening up to someone, I don’t and that’s part of the reason why it fails. But that night I was able to open up, maybe because there wasn’t any intentions, just talking. I was never going to see those two again, but it felt like talking to two friends.
It also made me realize that I probably won’t meet you immediately, which is fine because I’m only 24 & I don’t want to get married until I’m 30… Maybeeeeeee even a little older. But if I don’t meet you until I’m older or were friends first for awhile before dating & marriage, I could meet you anywhere! I don’t plan on living in San Antonio forever & when I move & as I travel, I may meet you then. There’s a whole world out there, & I probably haven’t met you just yet!
& I hope you will love me for ME!
I love you.
**Names have been changed.