My Own Sunshine

Today, I feel a relief of genuine happiness. Where I was a month ago, I finally had become to be at peace with myself. But then I relapsed and put myself in a situation in which I felt suffocated, neglected and insecure among other terrible feelings. I haven’t felt so bad about myself like this in 4 years. & this was when I was in an abusive, toxic relationship.

Within this short time span, I’ve felt like I lost myself even after taking time to slowly heal myself back up again. Even though, in the inside I was clearly screaming, “NO!” I ignored my inner voice and was beginning to hurt myself all over again.

Last night, I finally listened and said NO.

No, to allowing someone to make me feel less than I am. No, to manipulation. No, to giving up my dreams. And no, to not putting myself first.

I said YES!

Yes, to being who I am. Yes, to feeling however I want to feel whenever I want. Yes, to chasing my naïve, ignorant fairytale dreams. And yes, to always putting myself first.

Because this is my life. And no one else is going to do this but ME!

Sometimes, you just have to cut people out of your life no matter much it may cut you. The faster and sooner you do it, the better it is to move on. I’ve learned to be pretty cut throat about removing toxic people from my life because the longer you let them linger, the more likely you will repeat the never ending circle.

It’s been a harder decision I’ve had to make recently, and I talk myself through it to make sure I don’t fall back into the cycle. There’s no going back from here.

Even though I did take a few steps back from where I was a month ago, this minor setback also gave me a realization that will better help me understand myself and move on. I just couldn’t allow myself to spend 2015 like the past, I need this to be better. I need to do better. And this time I will…

 

Side note: I also felt very stifled. My creativity as a writer was being stifled and I just can’t have that. Also, sorry I’m kind of slacking on the letters! Still love you future hubby. Whoever and wherever you are.

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